February 18, 2023
Did I catch your attention? Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps your mother has passed on. Perhaps you don't like the thought of your mother dying. Maybe you think it's weird that I'm talking about something that hasn't happened yet. This is the kind of thing that gets my mind racing and I need to put it down on "paper".
We all love our mothers. Well maybe not all of us, but many of us. Our mothers bore us. They nurtured us. They might have smoked or drank while we were in their belly. But regardless of that, you and I were born and we are currently alive.
I come from an atypical family. My father was American-Caucasian. I'm talking Mayflower honkey white. Like 95% so. My dad was born so long ago that he was proud to have voted AGAINST FDR- all four times. This is 2023. How can my father- not grandfather, or great grandfather, have voted against Franklin Delano Roosevelt, not once not twice, not thrice, but FOUR times?!?!
He was born in 1911. Served in the US Army, under friggin George Patton in North Africa. Was ON the Champs D'Elysee on VE day- witnessing P-51s buzzing the crowd. So my dad was married, had a daughter had a marriage that ended poorly and was divorced in the mid 1960's. Math works, right?
So after the Korean war, my father was still active duty and he was base commander at Daegu in South Korea and he met my mother- a Captain in the South Korean Army. A nurse. He courted her and they were wed in 1968. In 1970, I was born. When my dad was 59 and mom was 34. As a side note, I have a younger brother born in 1972 and my mom is the same age as my half sister who was born in 1937. Technically my mom is one year older than my "sister". Fortunately, the Jerry Springer Show wasn't even born back then.
My father would be 112 if he were alive today. Unfortunately, he passed in 1991 at the ripe age of 79. I was barely able to legally drink back then. Flash forward, or better yet, naturally progress to today. I graduated college, got married, bought houses, had kids and now my kids are adults. I'm still years away from the age my dad was when I was born. And all this while, my mom has been my mom. Active, pious, cheerful, nurturing, and always my young mom.
The thing about Asians which has been made famous by numerous comedians and most notably by Ali Wong is that "Black don't crack, Asian don't die!" You white folk get old and die. Our black brethren are 20 years older than they look and Asians keep going and going and going...
But that last part is not reality. It may be a statistical fact (I don't care if it's true, it's a funny adage). But my mom in particular, is indestructible! She's been through any variety of ailments over the years but she has kept on going. She's always sending me ginseng and heart vitamins and hair vitamins and lotions I cant read. My daughter and wife randomly get packages with the latest balm or supplement for their skin, hair, nails- all from Halmoni. I have a favorite "from the mouth of children" quote (which is also my wife's least favorite). This came from my own daughter when she was three years old. You see, my Korean mother and my Eastern European mother in law were both born in 1936. And what did this 3 year old girl ask many years ago? "Daddy... why is Grandma Paliwoda so much older than Grandma Easton?" A bit insulting but a bit telling of the blunt perception of humans. Incidentally, both my mom and my wife's mom are STILL alive today. Which certainly shows that skin tone don't mean shit!
So anyway, my mom moved to Leisure World maybe 15 years ago. Leisure World is an "active adult" community who can take care of themselves. My mom loves it there. Tons of people she knows, lots of activities, in her hometown of Seal Beach, California. A few years after she moved in she bragged that "on Wednesdays I help feed the old people!" We always got a kick out of that.
My mom was a nurse as I mentioned. She was a nurse in Chicago. When I was a toddler she was a nurse at the Veteran's Administration hospital in Long Beach, California. This was 1972-74. So Vietnam War era. And oh yeah, she was a psychiatric nurse, and Asian, treating Vietnam War vets. Let that sink in.
My mom was very active in an association called the Korean Nurses Association of Southern California. She was the president at one point and all of her "cool" friends were presidents at one point. It was pretty sweet that my mom was part of the leadership of an organization that helps new and existing nurses of Korean heritage enter and expand opportunities within this profession. I remember going to parties at the Ambassador Hotel- where Robert F Kennedy was assassinated. I remember going to conferences where many nurses were in seminars. I remember when I'd come home from college, see nice cars in front of my house and think "yeah, the cool nurses are partying at my house!"
All the while, my mom was still a practicing RN in various roles. She was in the ICU. I'd visit and she'd say "come meet my patients" and almost every one was passed out or in traction or in some other way unable to "meet" me in return. She worked dialysis centers (which she hated). She'd fly to the Dominican Republic to help with poor people. At Thanksgiving, she'd say "who wants to do shots?" and then give us our flu vaccines.
Well, she eventually let her license expire. She then spent more time with church and being a grandparent and being active in the community. Whenever I saw her she looked a little frailer but still the mom I knew. By this time she had passed the age that my father died- 79. And still not really slowing down.
I've been blessed by a few things and one weird on is the avoidance of a really shitty part of life- death. When I say blessed, maybe I mean lucky. And I worry that I'm jinxing myself by even talking about it. I've been able to avoid tragic death in my life. My father died of old age. I knew he was dying. I was able to say goodbye. I smiled and actually celebrated his life at his funeral. Of course I've known people who have died. But it's never been someone super close or that I just had a conversation with the day before. Three of my fraternity brothers died last year within three months. I was friends with all three- but I hadn't talked to any in years. I met a really cool person in my neighborhood just a few months ago. She was recovering from breast cancer- and she died suddenly just a few weeks ago- but I just met her. Last year I found out that my childhood crush from 1st grade, the girl I went to the prom with- died... five years ago! But like I said, I haven't had very close friends or family die suddenly or unexpectedly, so the sudden loss of life has not ever hit me.
My mother was in a car accident two days ago. She stopped driving years ago but has a good friend in the neighborhood who is about 12 years younger and helps my mom a lot. They were driving straight through a green light and a car in the opposite direction turned left in front of them. When my uncle texted me about it two days ago, I stopped what I was doing and booked a flight from Arizona. My mom insisted that it was no big deal and that I didn't need to come out but I knew I did. When I got to the hospital, my mother was suddenly very frail and helpless. A bruised knee, scraped shin but most importantly a fractured T12 vertebrae. Her friend who was driving had two fractured vertebrae in her neck. They quickly did surgery on her and she's recovering with a great prognosis. But my mom's fracture is inoperable. Why is it inoperable? Maybe because it literally is inoperable but it feels like "she's too old". There's also the general anesthesia, possible infections, possible pneumonia, possible complications AND long recovery time and rehab. The alternative is brace it and physical therapy. It's like my mom doesn't understand that the brace, recovery and physical therapy is happening whether there is surgery or not.
But the challenge is that nobody in her sphere is suited to help her with the initial recovery. Sure I could move in but I'm not skilled to do all that for her. I live in a different state and have my own family and life. Maybe that sounds selfish, but we're just not the best candidates to help her recover and become independent. Her friend- the younger helper just had neck surgery, and based on a conversation with her son, that's the end of her driving. My mom's sibling are all in a similar age vicinity to my mom and can't help. What that means, is the dreaded "Skilled Care and Rehabilitation Facility" which as George Carlin would say is a euphemism for a "Nursing Home". A place where old people are sent to "recover" but a large percentage simple become neglected and die. It's a shitty thing to say but that's my opinion of the places.
So while in the hospital we had numerous professional visitors- nurses, CNAs, social workers, neurosurgeons, Occupational Therapists, Physical Therapists, etc. And what does my bad ass mom do? Pleads with each to get the spinal surgery. But I realize that I'm now making the decisions for her. Surgery is the wrong option. I start to advocate for finding her a home to go rehabilitate. And we found one. It's right outside of Leisure World. It's 15 minutes from my uncles and aunts. It's 5 minutes from her church and all her church friends and it's in her hometown of Seal Beach. It's going to suck but it's the ideal location and type of facility so we say yes.
She gets discharged from the hospital, loaded into the ambulance for the trip and I follow them there. It's across the street from the fire station I went to for cub scouts when I was 7. It's around the corner from the library I used to borrow the exact same Peanuts book over an over again. This is going to be great!
But then we enter and I immediately feel like we've warped onto the set of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. The place is packed. We were pre-checked in so they told us her room number right when we walked in the door. The paramedics beelined straight there. There are people wandering the halls like zombies. People sitting in wheelchairs here and there, some looking comatose, and right across from her room is a room with a guy who yells at everyone who walks by- asking them to change the TV to channel 7. I actually went in and tried changing the channel for him and then realized that it was already on 7 and the guy wasn't all "there". We are not warmly greeted, her room is bare but luckily one of her church members is already there. Aunts and uncles show up shortly after and then nothing. 20 minutes go by without anybody coming in so I decide to ask. A man walks by and I say "excuse me" and he curtly replies "I'm too busy" and walks on... WTF?!? And now I know why my mom- the career rock star RN was dreading this option. She has seen hundreds or thousands of times- people going this route never to return, and now she fears the same fate for her. Is this the kind of place she envisioned her last days? I can see the fear in her eyes like a child. And I cry.
But Asian Don't Die!
My mom technically has a good road to recovery. She needs to have a good attitude. She needs to embrace the rehab to strengthen her core. She needs to keep herself hydrated and nourished. She needs to set short term and long term goals. She needs to be a bit selfish and ignore the people there who don't have support. She needs to be cheerful around staff who may be overworked. Six weeks until she visits the neurosurgeon to check status. Wearing that brace every single time she is supposed to. Fighting to get back to independence. Striving to live long enough to see her newest grandson reach 18 like she's proclaimed before (he's 2 now). And she can do it. She has her family who loves her and is there for her. She has her church members right there for her. She has skilled staff who is there for her. She has God who is there for her.
But she IS going to die, and for the first time, that really hit me today. It took until today for me to realize that my 86 year old mother will die and I will be grieved without her- not hopeless basket case but immensely grieved. Pained that I didn't ask her more questions about her life. Pained that another link to the past is gone. Pained that my champion is only with my in spirit from then on. Many years ago, this woman of science decided that she wanted to donate her body to science and she actually has an official card for that to happen when she passes. We've accepted that. But just today, I mentioned this and asked if it's still accurate and she quickly said "of course", but then just 15 minutes later while she was laying peacefully in her hospital bed she said, "maybe I should be cremated... so I can be scattered in the ocean... and then I can float forever with your dad and my mom..."
I love you mom. And whether you die tonight or 20 years from now, I will cherish this painful time that we are going through right now.
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